Guardians of the Edgy
by Davidsonofinga
Summary: Five of the edgiest edgelords around team up to fight non-edginess.
1. Chapter 1

"My Name is Not Important. What is important is what I am going to do. I fucking hate non-edginess, and the worms feasting on it's carcass. In short, I shall join a team of the edgiest motherfuckers around."

Not Important walked up to a large group of people, only to be glomped by Donte. "Wassup motherfucker?" asked Donte. "My Name is Not Important," said Not Important, "What is important is that I-" "Yeah yeah," brushed off Donte, "I gedit. You're a badass fuckball who don't have no name. We all have names here. My name, by da way, is DONTE."

"Donte," asked Not Important, "The infamous son of Spordo?" "Yep," said Donte, "But you can call me Donte da Demon Killa. Has a nice RING to it, doncha THINK?"

"I've heard that many times before," said Shadow, "Now shut up." "Fuck you," responded Donte, flipping off Shadow. Shadow ignored him. "Anyways," said Shadow calmly, "I AM THE ULTIMATE LIFEFORM!"

Ryuko took notice. "And I am part Life-Fiber," she responded, "Name's Ryuko. What's yours?"

"My Name is Not Important," said Not Important, "What is important is what I am going to do. I Joined your so-called team to take revenge on humanity for not being edgy enough." "That sucks," said Ryuko, "I'm learning from Mako how not to be so edgy. I'm on this team for catharsis." "The only catharsis I get is when I enable my genocide crusade to finally occur," bellowed Not Important.

"Wow that's edgy," said a gruff voice. It was American Kirby. "We need to get down to business and crawl in our skins." American Kirby turned on some Linkin Park. Suddenly, Donte got up and crab-danced, stating "THAT'S MY JAM!" The song? "CRAWLING IN MY SKIN."

"Fuck the fuck down," commanded American Kirby, "This is serious business here. Firstly, we have a fucking problem in Mexico where edgelords are being attacked at random by CIVILIANS!" Not Important jumped up with nihilistic excitement. "This is gonna be FUN," he grunted.

The team got into their Edgejet, and flew off to Mexico from their edgy Colorado base.


	2. Chapter 2

The Edgejet landed in the middle of a random city in Mexico. The team burst out of the edgejet, not giving a fuck. "Come on," said American Kirby, "Let's fuck some motherfuckers up."

"Fuckyeah," exclaimed Donte.

"Sure," said Ryuko.

"CHAOS CONTROL!," shouted Shadow as he teleported off.

"My Genocide Crusade begins here!," said Not Important, as he began shooting up the city for no reason. American Kirby went to a nearby civilian and interrogated him. "USTED NO ES SUFICIENTE AFILADA!," screamed American Kirby with the best spanish he could muster, "¿Que Te hace pensarr puede hacerte dano SENORES EDGY?"

"No lo se," stammered the civilian, "Yo no hice nada! YO NO HICE NADA!"

"We'll see about that," insulted American Kirby, as Not Important loomed over his small pink body. Not Important violently grabbed the civilian, threw him to the ground, and stomped on his head, leaving a splat of blood where the head should be.

Meanwhile, Ryuko was following a trail Shadow left behind when he used Chaos Control.

Donte was at a taco stand. He wanted doritos locos tacos, just like they made at his favorite restaraunt in the whole wide world - TACO BELL. "Excuse me motherfucker, but I'd like a doritos locos taco," said Donte to the taco salesman. "We no sell those," said the salesman in broken english, "I get you taco for fifteen Pesos." "What the fuck is a pay-so?" asked Donte. "It money," said the Salesman. Donte stormed off, angry that his USD wouldn't work in a peso-driven system.


	3. Chapter 3

Ryuko finally found Shadow in an oasis. But Shadow wasn't there for a Hakuna Matata. No, he was there to find the damn fourth Chaos Emerald.

"I've been looking all over for you," worried Ryuko, "Why'd you go that way?"

"It was better than watching American Kirby and Not Important hurt innocent people," explained Shadow. "Oh come on," returned Ryuko, "American Kirby's just a misguided sociopath. You only have to worry about the big guy who won't give out his name." "But his name really IS Not Imporant," said Shadow. "And my dad is alive," said Ryuko sarcastically. "I'm being serious here," said Shadow.

Ryuko realized Shadow really meant that Not Important's name was Not Imporant. "How could somebody name their kid Not Important? at least my dad named me before that sorry excuse for a mom I had decided to leave me for dead," said Ryuko, clearly getting angry. "Let's go find them," said Shadow, as the two left the oasis.

Meanwhile, Donte was deeply upset that USD didn't work in Mexico. He didn't know where a USD-to-Peso shack was, so he pulled out a bottle of Squirrel Semen, drank it, and started looking for demons to kill. None so far. Just then, a weirdo appeared. "Hey, you from these parts?," asked the weirdo with hostile intent. "Fuck you," responded Donte, stabbing the man in the chest. Donte looked around, and saw that he was near territory of Los Sangrientos Munecas.


	4. Chapter 4

Donte was confused at what the sign said. He decided to read it. "Lawss... San-gree-yehn-toes Moo-Nee-Kuhs..." he read. Suddenly, he was approached by some guy. "WHO DA FUCK ARE YOUUUUUU?" screamed the dude melodramatically. Donte stabbed him. "My name, by da way, is Donte," he taunted, "but you can call me Donte da demon-"

Suddenly, Donte was approached by a fat man in a vaquero hat. "You just killed my partner-in-cri-I mean, Legitimate business," he said calmly. "Now," he said, brandishing an uzi, "you pay." Donte was unimpressed by the man. He had fought demons. Smirking. How the hell was THIS going to intimidate him?

"Fuck you," said Donte, as he shot the man in the head. The man screamed and died. Donte just laughed.

Two hours and an entire cartel later, cheers could be heard in the distance. This made Donte curious.

Donte headed out of the area, and he saw a news crew, ready to praise him. "What did I Do?," asked Donte, confused. "You solved the crime of the century," said the news reporter, "You stopped the number one crime boss in Mexico! How did you do that?"

"I shot him in the head. DUHHHHH," said Donte, ignorant of the importance of his noble deed. Suddenly, he was approached by Not Important and American Kirby. "I found out you stopped the greatest cartel in Mexico," said American Kirby, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" "Nothing," said Donte, "why?"

"You ruined my genocide crusade," said Not Important. But before he could continue, Ryuko and Shadow approached him. "Kirby and Not Important," said Shadow, "...you're fired."


End file.
